Toilet Talk

Following my last post we inevitably come to the great toilet debate regarding Transgender folk.

When I’m out dressed I will naturally go to the female asigned toilet but I do so because my natural intent is not to upset anyone. Often if there is a ‘disabled’ toilet I will use this if it’s quiet. After all a disabled toilet is for both male and female. Why society can't do this for everyone is totally beyond me?

Also, let me know if I am wrong on this but so far as I understand; in the UK it is perfectly legal for either ‘sex’ to use either restroom.

On a more general note I really cannot see why we logically have gender separate toilets. I speak with some small authority here having had to plan a few building toilet facilities myself. Also I find it uncomfortable to see women queueing for ages while men swoosh past into their little box of no queues. So why don’t we have gender neutral toilets with a smaller percentage of stalls (if any) so everyone can experience a better and swifter visit to the loo. 

Also it’s not just the average straight guy or girl or Trans* who needs the toilet. This is something that is well put in Ivan Coyote’s great TED talk which toward the end speaks of other members of society - not just Transgender.

If you know someone who worries about what will happen if we don’t have separated toilet facilities I suggest you worry less about that issue and more about how they view the world and their motives. Personally when I go to the loo I need to go to the loo (okay maybe check how I look in the mirror too). I spend as little time as I can in there as they arn't the nicest of places genearlly and I want to be back out getting on with my life. Motive is important, something some US politicians get totally confused over. 

I’ll leave you with another article about converting existing restrooms.

So to conclude the link to my previous post on getting out. The world is changing but as Trans* folk we must work extra hard to make it work. Sad but true. Every time I go out and everything works out fine, so far 100% of the time, I think there's a lot of new people who now have first hand personal experiance of a Transgender individual in 'their' society and everything was cool - normal even?

Normal is how we define it

We are living in a delicate time.

This post is linked directly to a post I will follow on with shortly after regarding the use of restrooms and this I start leading in to the USA given recent events...

America feels threatened and like all treated entities it is in a process of anger and lashing out. Whilst not the superpower they were, when the US feels threatened and reacts, the world feels it’s ripples. A wave of anti-tolerance by I'm happy to say, political minorities, towards people of a ‘different’ way, be that a faith or in my case my gender presentation, is written across the face of the world's media every day.

It is vital now more than ever, that if one is different, we try to integrate and show by example, that diversity is complimentary to the human condition and not destructive. There may be individuals and factions of groups who are negative and want to separate the people of our world but it’s certainly not me and I hope not you - not transgender folk. It's an oppertunity.

So partly because of the above and coincidentally, over the past year or two I’ve been getting out dressed more. However 'getting out' can mean several types of place so here’s my basic list.

A - Trans* friendly places like Pink Punters. Obviously I’ve never felt any animosity or worry here!

B - Then there is another level of getting out to the more accepting ‘gay’ areas of a town like Birmingham in my case. Here again rarely will anyone bat an eyelid. I actually prefer these areas as you’ll always be accepted and it is a more diverse set of individuals. Straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, whatever you want to call people. Everyone is usually just out for a fun / relaxed night.

The Arcadian, just off Hurst St, Birmingham

C - However I’ve also been out out to everyday restaurants or pubs whether in the centre of London or a small pub in Warwickshire. And you know, people are on whole to be very accepting and unflustered. Yayyy, go humanity!!!

The worst I’ve encountered is someone, usually a grandmother out with their family or an older guy out alone (both occurrences have happened more than once) where their faces tell a story. They cannot stop staring and I’ve even seen their family get somewhat embarrassed at this. They are fighting an internal battle between what they’ve been told or told themselves all their lives and the reality they see before them. So effectively it’s their issue and their internal struggle - not mine. On the one hand I’m not sure what they expect of me but my having a polite conversation with a friend and behaving civilized obviously isn’t one of these pre-programmed thoughts.

D - Finally I’d say just going shopping in town dressed. I’ve only done this once and it was similar to the run of the mill restaurant or pub but I don’t class once as a good working knowledge so I’ll not pretend to give advice on this.

Neverthelss - my advice for getting out is...

First - just do it. Make the decision, then think seriously about why and what it means to you. While you can go out alone, I’d seriously recommend you go with a friend. It’s more fun and you can share the experience.

Second - Be sensible. Don’t pick somewhere you know to be synonymous with trouble. I wouldn’t do that regardless of my gender or presentation!

Third - Don’t be a parody - be yourself. However you present on the outside let your natural person on the inside come through.

And finally - Take pride in your appearance and make it obvious you’ve tried your best to present how you want to be. People respect that, so respect them by doing so.

So you are out and about, what bathroom do you use? Queue my next post...

Transgender Day of Remembrance 20th November

Identifying gender when you're blind

So a quick and direct link to an interesting perspective on gender identity or rather identifying gender from the BBC? Not judging the article but for me the take out has to be...

“…with a little honesty and humour, I think it's turned out to be a valuable and thought-provoking experience for both of us.”

I’m sure that’s true regardless of gender or ability?

3 hours later

OMG I so can’t believe it’s another TV program this month! You have until around the 11th of November to catch this on Channel 4.

So why 3 hours later? When the documentary is called:

Girls to Men

Because of what this documentary seemed to focus on. Allow me to explain.

This post isn’t specifically about the guys who are the subject of this documentary. No, it’s about the documentary and what it means as a reflection of society. And yes it’s good I’m writing yet another post about the Trans issue on UK TV. Trans is definitely on topic. So yeah, good.

I’m so onboard with people being the people they want to be. For all three of the guys in this documentary it was good to see their journey and so very brave of them to be in this program.

And yet the more I watched the more I felt resonance with the article in the Independent here

It is understandable for young trans people to be excited about these milestones, but media interest in surgery on trans people is harmful as it reduces all trans experiences. It suggests you become your gender through surgery or medical intervention which we disagree with.

Jamie Pallas

Rather than me write it all up poorly, do read this other article from the Guardian.

So, 3 Hours Later was the slide which followed an operation...

For me the interview with Alfie’s mum Cathy was so much more poignant of the whole transgender issue today. That being the belief someone is one thing when they feel to be something else and then managing that process of transition to become there true selves. Cathy's difficulty as a mother is exactly what I'm on about. I'm sure Cathy is so proud her son. Alfie is so brave.

I personally don’t believe the program was specifically “transphobic” as some Twitter feedback may have said, but I do believe it could so easily have been done better and ‘played up' rather than down.

As for the title of the program. It's a tabloid headline and succeeded in grabbing attention. It did a job. For me the issue was what the program did once it had that attention.

Overall I’d agree with what Ethan who said, “The journey is never really over…”

Changes

“One of the great dogmas of biology is that gender is fixed from birth, determined by the inheritance of certain genes on the X and Y sex chromosomes.”

The Independent

Impermanence is a basic principal of Buddhism and for good reason. We talk about death and taxes but the one true constant in life and indeed the universe, is change.

From stars to dust everything changes. Over time, we change as individuals, our relationships change, as do nations, as do cultures and of course, as a species. And yet accepting and managing change is one of the most difficult things we can face, especially changes in gender and how others relate to you.

Our society has changed over the past few decades. When I was young any male who displayed and feminine traits or heaven forbid wore a dress for example would be lucky to get down a street without abuse, psycological or physically. Nowadays things may not be radically different ‘on the street’ but they are so much better, in city centres certainly. This has been driven I believe by the interconnectedness provided by the web and some research which has permitted the media to feedback into peoples understanding in society, our politics and laws.

“I’m just trying to break down these gender stereotypes.”

Barack Obama

So I know I’m largely preaching to the converted here but I’m pretty sure there are many more younger people accepting of their transition even accounting for the increase in population now compared to say 40 years ago.

Because gender roles in general are becoming increasingly fluid, it’s possible that some younger people didn’t feel so confined by expectations, so they don’t feel as strong a need to experience adolescence in their correct gender. Also, maybe they remember their first adolescence better, since they have just recently lived it, and they don’t really want to go through another one so soon.

Tranifesto

Still in 2015 for a young person there are many challenges to coming out and being accepted as not part of a binary gender position, which may in society still cling too. For younger people just growing up through adolescence is difficult enough without even adding in gender confusion about how they may feel compared to what they are told. 

Also there currently seems to be a bracket of T-girls who are approaching or passing 50 years old. It is logical to give the reason to this change as a mid-life crisis. Now I’m sure relative age and timing have a lot to do with it but maybe it is all part of the same change in society and could more be termed a second adolescence. A process that affects all genders and all people to some degree in different ways - not just M2F or Trans' individuals. I know that is certainly how I feel about it.

For more mature persons (yes moi) we have the benefit of being more sure of the world and our abilities. However the challenges are big simply because our personal history and commitments are stronger and appear clearer. Work and income could be lost. If you have a family, as most do, this could then all disappear, effectively destroying everything you may have spent your life working for. And yet like fine rain over time, the feeling of what you are supposed to be, the character your programmed past as written in the minds of others is inevitably soaked completely in the realisation of who you are inside.

But these were the things that we were supposed to say and do, and the clothing and hairstyles that we were supposed to wear, and the attitudes and behaviours that we were supposed to have when we were going through our first adolescence. It’s just that we never got a chance, because it was the wrong adolescence. When we finally have a shot at the right one, I say we should go for it. It passes soon enough.

Tranifesto

For young and not so young, any friends you have will stay friends, if they really are friends; even if the friendship changes, but you should expect the relationship to change if you do.

As for a reason as to why we do this I can’t give a single answer as I’m sure there are several factors. But click here or on the Independent logo below for an interesting article on gender and change at a cellular level which may be a part of it. The following three quotes are from that article.

“…findings suggest that being male or female is not a permanently fixed state but something that has to be continually maintained in the adult body by the constant interaction of genes to keep the status quo – and the gender war – from slipping in favour of the opposite sex.”

“The results could explain some of the great mysteries of human gender, for instance why some women after the menopause develop male characteristics, such as facial hair and deeper voices, or why other people are so unhappy with the gender they were born with that they seek hormone therapy and radical sex-change operations.”

“…If it is possible to make these changes in adult humans, it may eventually remove the need for surgery in gender-reassignment treatment…”

A more technical link regarding the story can be found here:

From a species over time down to our individual cells on a daily basis, our gender and understanding of it changes constantly.

So why do so many seem so surprised by this?

My point on change in general and specifically gender?

Flexibility (change) is a strength not a weakness.

Diversity (because of changes) is a strength.

So try not to overly judge,

where it is so obviously unnecessary.

Trapped in a preconception

One of my very first posts was asking the question “Why” Why do I and possibly some others, like to dress in clothes generally ascribed to persons of an opposite sex? In this post I’ll look at this a little more. I’ll start at crossdressing and go on to gender. This is not an A-Z but a short and incomplete blog….

On Crossdressing

To start, a good short article covering why people crossdress can be found here.

…but for those who don’t want to go read it; the summary of the article is that there are three main reasons as to why men crossdress:

1 - sexual gratification
2 - express the feminine side of their personality
(comfort, and reduced stress / because it feels good.)
3 - experience the "power of a woman."
(it is very stimulating and intoxicating)

I’d agree with point 1 as to why many men dress. And if this is the sole reason a man dresses then it may actually be a confirmation on their masculinity and simple attraction to women in an odd way. Not always of course.

Whilst I do relate to point 1, I feel Point 2 describes me the best with a dash of point 3 thrown in for good measure.

On Gender

Before I carry on this YouTube is a good and relatively short into onto gender if you need to brush up.

Sorry it won't play in my blog I'm just not that techie!

Points 2 and 3 above are in the context of a release mechanism from the gender binary. An outlet valve for a cultural system that doesn’t wholly work. The word crossdressing itself is somewhat antiquated and assumes there are only two types of people in the world. Women, who can wear pretty much anything they want most of the time and then men, who have a severely limited and often dull wardrobe. Hence the term ‘drag and drab’. Of course gender goes far beyond just fashion and how we present ourselves but people tend to judge books by covers so lets stick with this for this blog.

We all want to be accepted for who we feel we are inside and have that seen as such on the outside. Living and presenting on the outside as someone who you don’t genuinely feel to be inside is not a pleseant feeling. For many ‘men’ the odd evening ’crossdressing’ is enough of a release to allow them to continue to conform to the prescribed gender binary uniform of tradition the rest of the time.

I love getting fully ’dressed up’. Even if I could all the time I wouldn't all of the time. Speak to anyone who wears make-up and high heels etc regardless of there gender or sex and it does require more work than pulling on jeans and some trainers. Tight can jeans rock for me as much as a skirt and sitting around the house in a pair of jogging bottoms is fine too for different reasons. Look at it the other way. There is very little I wear every day that a genetic woman wouldn’t wear and feel comfortable in. Does that mean I crossdress every day? As I may have stated before, I don’t feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body. I do however feel like an identity trapped in a preconception. 

Personally speaking I allow many of the traits of my more feminine side to merge into or simply influence my day to day life. This affects how I dress, look after myself, my choices and, to a degree how I relate to others. Don’t get me wrong, my masculine side is there too. For me my whole gender balance and my freedom of expression is what has become more prominent as the years move on. Our physical bodies are in a constant state of renewal and change. If our minds weren’t we wouldn’t be living creatures.

You are you, however you or someone else labels you. I don’t want to get all Matrix/Morpheus or Zen on you here, but you cannot, not, be you. The confusion comes about because for most of the world all we do is act our role as described by society, and a role is so much more than the clothes you wear.

In 1599 or so Shakespeare wrote in “As You Like It”, stating “All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players…”

I'n not entirely sure if Shakespeare actually knew how accurately this describes the human condition as it transcends male and female. Our confusion is because we’re trying to define a role that many in 21st century society simply don’t see - yet. The ‘yet’ is important.

So back to the question. Why do I dress and why do I allow it to affect my life? Because quite simply - it’s who I am and I am human. Now; define human without using the future or potential as a meaningful reference?

The above image I found via another good blog but honestly can't find the original link. I think I got surf crazy that day!

Education, education, education

Education, education, education as Tony Blair* once pointed out is of paramount importance. Well if it’s relevant to the growth of a country it’s also relevant to the growth of a person and a society.

I’ve read quite a lot of scary comments regarding people who don’t conform to a gender binary model and must admit that the majority of the negative attitude comes from a simple lack of understanding. Ok so this article won’t change it all but at least the good old BBC are trying to live up to the public service model. Spurred on by the recent Caitlyn Jenner media coverage the BBC Magazine has ran this short article.

Yes there are far better guides out there but the people who really need the education are hardly going to go searching or going to bother reading a never ending web-scroll of Transgender terms and detail.

So thanks for the BBC acknowledging the issue.

* Not an endorsement. Most politicians are as good or bad as each other. Remember people, whoever you vote for, the Government always get in...

Assophobia

Fashion Labels

Ok so not talking about the brands as labels but us girls n guys as genders.

Saw this in a store the other day and think it's so worth posting despite being mass consumer fashion. 

I just wish it hadn't been embedded into a "Woman’s" only section. Personally I buy clothes from the Woman’s section without worrying but thinking about it why do they even have a Mens and Woman’s section? Can anyone really let me know a good reason? And yes I know men and women are slightly different shapes but all people are, aren’t they?

Surely a store would be better off just saying "hey, look at all the great clothes / products we sell for “EVERYONE" or maybe I'm being silly?

Oh and this picture too in Superdrug on the Strand.

So the whole shop is not for men? lol - I could so see a comedy sketch in this.

On the same subject this article was pointed out to me about similar issues even though the content seems more glitz than grit.

Selfridges is launching 'gender-neutral' shopping

That's it for this one, unless you've got something to add? x

like a girl

Is there a basic and general problem with femininity? Not just for a guy but for a girl? It just seems to me that there is a connection between how men relate to women and how society relates to crossdressers or anyone in a transitionary gender?

This is a general point and whilst there are many enlightened people in the world I think they tend to be overcast by the majority on this issue, as it is a fairly deep social one.

So the point is. Does society (regardless of gender) view femininity as a negative? Whilst there are rare accounts of the matriarchal role in human civilisation and society one can’t help but imagine the battle they had to go through to get there, being a very rare exception to the rule.

In the past it was the loudness of your voice and your strength or aggression that often dictated your leadership candidate. Add intelligence and you had an even better chance. By and large it was a male dominated world often for fair reason especially in day to day dealings where most religions down talked the role of women. Many still do…

In this climate a culture of down-talking females and their ability was almost natural. Individuals or families maybe didn’t see it this way but culture and society did. As Kay said on MiB

“A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it.” 

Unfortunately society is often a reflection of group mentality.

This commercial Ad’ shows how the terminology that we use in society can propagate dogmatic re-belief even by the victims of it - 

'Always' Like a girl Ad'

If a male want’s to allow themselves more feminine attributes (could be cross dressing or just wearing make up or simply being more sensitive) and someone insults them or talks them down, are they not often simply insulting femininity as a whole? I mean why would a man want to be like a woman in any way?!

Ever since the war effort exemplified by the poster above women have rightly gone on, not without issue to become more full members in society yet retained their rights to be feminine in places they work and clothes they wear. The right to wear make-up or not etc. Whilst men, like ancient guards at a city gate seem to have moved little in their self expression.

Deliberately provocative statement and not one I believe. However I do believe this is how many guys (and possibly girls) on the street understand it. So is the message here it’s ok for a woman to ’step-up’ to be more like a man, but not for a man to ’step-down’ and be more accepting of their feminine side. If so, do you believe it? Where do you place value in human society?

Equal rights? Not according to the DMV in the USA.

DMV forces gender non-conforming South Carolina teen to remove makeup for license photo

Hardly a new article but I don’t think the DMV should tell people they can’t wear make up. Oh, wait a moment, they don’t say that to girls, only boys. And there was I under the mistaken belief men and women should have equal rights and be treat as people?

I think this boy, which is how he identifies, looked fine. The make up was tasteful and not in any way overdone or a ‘disguise’. Still some work to be done on equality I think!

Here is the original article link,

DMV forces gender non-conforming South Carolina teen to remove makeup for license photo

Girly-Boy

So I was prompted to add this to the blog as it just makes sense to me and it will probably directly apply to most readers or passers by. In addition to the TED talk posted here:

Johanna Blakley: Social media and the end of gender - TED talk

I was inspired by ‘steppingoutsecrets.com’

Stepping Out Secrets - Male to Female Transformation Program 

Quote from Stepping Out Secrets,

Rather than getting hung up on passing vs. not passing, I suggest you make it your goal to “blend in” instead.
Blending in means you look girly enough NOT to stand out in a negative way - even if you aren’t 100% passable.
Most people don’t scrutinize everybody around them, so unless there’s something glaringly off about you, you are unlikely to attract a second glance.
Does this mean everybody will think you are a genetic woman? Probably not. But it doesn’t matter.
The happiest crossdressers and transgender women I know don’t care whether they pass or not. They care about being themselves.
Passing is great when it happens, but there’s nothing wrong with being seen as the classy crossdresser or transgender woman that you are!
As long as you choose the right environment and present yourself well, you are likely to be met with acceptance.

And so to my blog bit.

Jodie is the name I chose to explore my gender but it's not the first I've used in the journey and may well not be the name I'd chose were I to 'technically' transition fully - whatever that means. Currently I don’t really intend being a full-on-girl. Arn't I really just exploring me?

Either way, being man or woman in the modern and future world should be about being a person first and a gender second. This is slowly happening for both women and men. The difference is women are generally more open and encouraging whereas men typically resist internal change. This again is probably largely due to survival traits dating back over the centuries if not millennia.

So on the question as to which side of the fence do I sit - or do I sit on the fence?

Answer - Well I really don’t see the fence.

I understand that there are those who are transitioning with a clear goal but I don’t feel that’s where I’m at. If you are, I wish you gods speed and the best of futures.

For myself and the others in a form of happy gender limbo, hopefully we can all relax a little more at Christmas and enjoy being rather than trying to be too much more. Until 2015!

Mr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde?

Two puns in that title if you read it right ;)

So a less serious, simple shout out about self expression to those who understand, and those don’t. For several years I’ve done this. Yes the image, that’s me. All started out as a ‘wouldn’t it be cool if’ and is rapidly turning into a OMFG, I had no idea I could feel this good about myself!

Being able to allow the thought of vulnerability and self expression into your life for most guys growing up, is a life sentence of tribal bullying. I know there are good evolutionary reasons for this tribal ganging up just like there were great reasons for people to live in caves... once upon a time. Personally I managed to work my way around the problem by being sensible and generally giving as good as I got. BUT, it didn’t make me feel good and I disliked being that way. I guess each of us can't be uniquely human without being warped in some way? 

You see it’s not just what it looks like. It’s what it feels like, inside. It allows you to shift a gear in your mind. Call it therapy ;)

Guys are being marginalised in the modern world. Not by women. By common sense and marketing - Oh yeah, and by guys and some girls who buy into the past. You see, strength and masculinity are not the same thing. Go work it out for yourself if you don’t understand.

I accept that sometimes if a guy goes girly it can be simply a pendulum like reaction against their alter ego, but not always. Then we’re into the discussion of what ‘trans’ is. Let’s leave that for another day!

There are so many great things about being a girl: “Shopping, getting dolled up, being permitted to be ‘emotional’…” 

This quote inspired this blog post so I can't not post a link to the commercial site it's from. Lots of free advice if you sign up for emails. Personally I’ve never bought anything from there but I appreciate the site:
Feminization Secrets Site

I guess this is a cue also the a somewhat deeper story link I posted last time so I’ll repost it here:
The Guardian on kids and gender

Dusk and Dawn - Removing binary gender

Almost everything in nature we see and experience has varying degrees. There is night and day, but they can’t happen without dusk and dawn. Just so in people, There is male and female. But we ALL have elements in us. The traits of masculinity and femininity are to be found in both. We are all just people. It’s only for reproduction that it really matters.

When does black become white? When does Young become old? When does male become female? These are NOT binaries. These are scales. Nature is nothing without scale or increment. Binaries are reference points only, not descriptions of what you do day to day. Day to day you need to grow! Similarly on gender, I totally respect the alpha male and female scenario. Indeed I love it! If you are a male and live by engine grease, great. If you are female and love make-up and dressmaking - go for it. But that doesn’t mean we all must live it every day.

For more time than I remember I have strived to subdue my more traditionally feminine feelings. I have crushed them. I have psychologically insulted them. I have hated myself. My story isn’t one of a female trapped in a males body. I don’t feel that. I only feel I want to be me. And as I can only assume that I am not unique, that many others may also feel similar?

I reject my programming. And at the minimum, you should question your’s and that of your children. Every time you speak to your child, your friend, your partner and say something like, “women drivers!”, “men can’t multitask” or “it’s a baby girl so let’s get her something pink” you are the program…

By all means get a boy blue or a girl pink, but do it because it’s for that person, not the label. You are creating their destiny.

So please consider allowing a little more rainbow light into the world. There’s more than the heat of the midday sun or the cold dark of night.

Links:

The Guardian on gender programming

BBC on Ladybird books dropping gender titles

Very moving Telegraph article on the same Ladybird story

Mirror article on male model being used for a bra ad

You tube on the same ad