XD-ing

I have an issue with the word ‘Crossdressing’ or rather, it’s misuse. In day-to-day useage it supports the notion that there are no-go areas for certain genders.

Females continue to have an ongoing battle to gain equality in global society. I’m speaking about the world here so this covers every country from the USA to Saudi Arabia. If as a society, we wish to segregate groups as a principal, then the notion of 'crossdressing' helps this non-constructive cause.

Like Eddie Izzard, I believe that if you buy an item of clothing it is yours, you own it. It doesn’t belong to someone else. I’m not a legal expert but I feel on relitively strong ground here. Clothes may be historically more feminine or masculine but other examples of historical note are slavery* and witch-hunts. Crossdressing is simply a brick in the old world / small world mindset.

*I accept that sadly slavery too is not totally purged from the world - yet.

Our individual expression is ‘ours’. It is by definition personal. It may be feminine or masculine or a mix but to limit expression is a true sin, just as is limiting someones ability in a career because of their genitalia. Whilst not intrinsically tied, notionally support one and you help endorse the other.

Today there was a lady in front of me at the chemist. Her hair was unkempt to say the least, she wore old trainers, baggy jeans and a polo top, so her clothing was that of a typical man of her age. However, at no time did I think ‘Oh it’s a crossdresser’ until writing this. Of course she wasn't crossdressing. She was just wearing something she felt comfortable in.

I started this post off by indicating the word Crossdressing's misuse. So what do I understand the term to mean? Well;

Crossdressing is a term for a fetish practice wherein individuals believe that certain clothes belong 'only' to the opposite 'sex' and wear them purely for fun.

*Sex being different to gender.

In that context it is fine and I can see how it could be fun. Been there got the T-shirt, or was it panties? Everything has a place and a time. If you wear any clothing just because it feels right for you then that's not crossdressing, it's just your clothes. If you're wearing clothes which are not predominantly worn by the genetic sex and you are just doing so for a sexual thrill, it could well be crossdressing. Either way is not wrong or right, but it's important we understand our actions and when to use words correctly. As I said in an earlier post “Words can be used as positive tools but they can trap us if we don't use our minds when we communicate.”

If I'm out and someone thinks I'm crossdressing or says it, I won't get 'cross' if they are being genuine. We all see the world from a unique viewpoint. I'll just take it that they have little experiance of a 'non-binary' perspective on the world, just as I don't understand some other aspect of society.

Life's to short to worry about it - but not to short to try and help.

Gender non-conformist?

A short post to say have a listen to this BBC Documentary about the growth of Non-Binary as an acknowledged way to be. I was directed to it via Rebecca Root’s Twitter which often discloses these little gems. As usual I found the BBC’s a very level headed report - so listen!

Interestingly they also use the term ‘gender non-conforming’ which to me sounds a touch more active in attitude whereas ‘Non-Binary’ is very neutral. It sparked a teeny bit of rebellious creativity in me so I created the emblem for this post.

Personally I still prefer the term Trans* assignation (with the asterisk to allow you to say what you are) as it is snappier and is suggestive of change not a so much a static condition. I'd still say I was Gender non-conformist of course.

How about you?

Side note: as I mention in a previous post, I actually love the extreems of gender so I'm not against gender. I just feel people should be free to live happily as either or 'between' them wherever is best for them.

After a while...

― Alan Moore, V for Vendetta

This article is ostensibly about transitioning post-forties or later. That said, much will ring true to many who are younger or indeed not transitioning at all as largely it is about how we all change over time and at it’s core, it is about stereotypes and social programming.

It is essentially about tribes and law.

So whilst this is about those of us who transition or simply question our gender expression it is also importantly about the people surrounding us. In youth these people about us are our immediate friends and family. People we are born to or join us in life's path for a while. These are special in that they do not need you to sign a lawful contract to have a relationship with them. However with a spouse there is a mutual lawful agreement. If this pact is based on misconception or wrong information then it only deepens the severity of any scar when one finally realises who they may have hidden away over time, within themselves.

Our cultural and societal conventions and traditions can be worthy but they can also be deeply negative if they don’t allow total honesty. If people are not allowed the right to openly express how they feel at a young age then relationship problems will inevitably occur later in life.

If in your fifties, be you male or female, you discover a repressed love of baking cakes you may annoy some people with random purchases or smells in the kitchen but you don’t ask them to realign their understanding of society. If however, you realise you don’t fit the binary gender model it can present a big issue to those with whom you may have, by now, a lifelong deeply personal and legal contract.

For those of us who have already gone far down a life path, shifting our gender expression, coming out or transitioning - even the thought of it - presents it’s own unique challenges. The obvious question most ask is, why now? If you felt this way why didn’t you say earlier. Why did you hide what you felt?

This is a question I asked myself and the point of this post.

Casting my mind back I was very unsure about what I felt. So far as I knew the world in which I grew up in and live now says, it is bad or at best, abnormal to not conform to a gender stereotype. Now everyone ‘hates’ stereotypes, but not when it comes to gender. Odd that, don't you think?

I hid what I felt because I was not free. I was not free to express it or explore it. For many of us living in the west we like to believe that we live in a free world, but that is not true. Much of our reality is based in social acceptance...

So I pause here for a moment and look at social acceptance from a very non-gender perspective taking the form of two different TED talks.

In one of the most emotive and stirring TED talks I’ve ever seen on what shapes many as they grow, Shane Koyczan at time point 2.28, says that as he was growing up he was being told to…

“Accept the identity others would give me”

Another supporting argument comes form Hetain Patel in this TED Radio hour talk which describes when as he was growing up and from a minority background, he just wanted to fit in. Echoing Shane Koyczan about how all kids want to 'fit in'. As usual the whole episode is good but specifically listen at at point 26:40. Further, at point 27:47 he goes on to say about how he felt ‘ashamed’ because he was different.

Now Hetain Patel mentioned he felt ashamed which leads me to the Transgender Philosophy Podcast, in which Felix Conrad argues the reason for not coming out is shame and it is the removal of that internal shame that allows us to come out. Essentially, as you get older you gain the life experience to question the things society tells you are really you. There is a constant thought of I must be wrong if everyone else says so. Maybe if I wait another year it will all just go away as I can’t be right. Yet after so many years you realise you were right all along. Therefore a late onset of acceptance of oneself occurs as natural part of a maturing process.

So there is a basic instinct in all children and in all people indeed, to ‘fit in’. A natural survival instinct to be part of a tribe. However, as humans our tribes are shaped by its laws.

In the fifties and especially the sixties revolutionary times no doubt, but gender was what it had always been. In fact in the 60’s and into the seventies in the US and UK, if a male was found dressing as a female then by law the result could be…

“…incarceration in mental institutions and the application of aversion therapy through the use of electric shocks or nausea-inducing drugs.”

ISJ

Into the seventies gender bending moved on and through into the eighties and make-up wearing new romantics then breathed life into the concept of a non-fixed gender role. However, by and large these were transient social statements by young people discovering themselves. Themselves who usually ended up from a gender perspective being exactly what there forebears had been. Not a bad thing, it just dilutes the understanding of non-binary gender.

Beyond the laws, and in turn what shapes them, is the information we have to hand and our own understanding of it.

"I was growing up in a very different time and I had no information. Meanwhile, I had all of my diversions — sports...this...that...married...family — but after 65 years, here I was right back with the same problems that I had when I was 10 years old and I had to finally do something about that."

Caitlyn Jenner / etonline

Then there is the physiological argument. At a recent Trans' support group meeting I was talking with a woman from the Beaumont Society who said some people also believe that late transitioning may be to do with a drop in testosterone. I certainly think this could well be a contributory factor but in and of itself, not the actual reason, the spark as it were. This could back up a view again by Caitlyn Jenner in the same article where she says:

"I firmly believe that there are intensity levels of being trans," she wrote. "For example, a boy at a young age — four or five-years-old — might refuse to wear guy clothes and will only wear dresses. Not as a one-time thing, or as just dress-up play, but insistently, every day saying, 'I'm a girl.' They can't — and won't — hide their true identity, even at that young age. Then there are others, like me, who can (kind of) live with it for a long time, even though it's very uncomfortable."

Caitlyn Jenner / etonline

So then, what's my answer? Why do some people come out in later life? I’d argue it is simply due to a lack of true freedom in our society. A society shaped by the law which by our own acceptance creates it.

We do not acknowledge this feeling inside because at first as children we want to fit in and therefore set our path. Then in later life we do not want to hurt those close to us. However as time moves on we realise our lives will mean nothing if we propagate a system which does not allow true freedom for ourselves and of course, others.

We are all our own victims in this respect, transgender - or not.

I’ll leave you with another quote and link:

Look at me 

You may think you see 

Who I really am 

But you'll never know me 

Every day 

It's as if I play a part 

Now I see 

If I wear a mask 

I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart 

Christina Aguilera "Reflection"

Changes

“One of the great dogmas of biology is that gender is fixed from birth, determined by the inheritance of certain genes on the X and Y sex chromosomes.”

The Independent

Impermanence is a basic principal of Buddhism and for good reason. We talk about death and taxes but the one true constant in life and indeed the universe, is change.

From stars to dust everything changes. Over time, we change as individuals, our relationships change, as do nations, as do cultures and of course, as a species. And yet accepting and managing change is one of the most difficult things we can face, especially changes in gender and how others relate to you.

Our society has changed over the past few decades. When I was young any male who displayed and feminine traits or heaven forbid wore a dress for example would be lucky to get down a street without abuse, psycological or physically. Nowadays things may not be radically different ‘on the street’ but they are so much better, in city centres certainly. This has been driven I believe by the interconnectedness provided by the web and some research which has permitted the media to feedback into peoples understanding in society, our politics and laws.

“I’m just trying to break down these gender stereotypes.”

Barack Obama

So I know I’m largely preaching to the converted here but I’m pretty sure there are many more younger people accepting of their transition even accounting for the increase in population now compared to say 40 years ago.

Because gender roles in general are becoming increasingly fluid, it’s possible that some younger people didn’t feel so confined by expectations, so they don’t feel as strong a need to experience adolescence in their correct gender. Also, maybe they remember their first adolescence better, since they have just recently lived it, and they don’t really want to go through another one so soon.

Tranifesto

Still in 2015 for a young person there are many challenges to coming out and being accepted as not part of a binary gender position, which may in society still cling too. For younger people just growing up through adolescence is difficult enough without even adding in gender confusion about how they may feel compared to what they are told. 

Also there currently seems to be a bracket of T-girls who are approaching or passing 50 years old. It is logical to give the reason to this change as a mid-life crisis. Now I’m sure relative age and timing have a lot to do with it but maybe it is all part of the same change in society and could more be termed a second adolescence. A process that affects all genders and all people to some degree in different ways - not just M2F or Trans' individuals. I know that is certainly how I feel about it.

For more mature persons (yes moi) we have the benefit of being more sure of the world and our abilities. However the challenges are big simply because our personal history and commitments are stronger and appear clearer. Work and income could be lost. If you have a family, as most do, this could then all disappear, effectively destroying everything you may have spent your life working for. And yet like fine rain over time, the feeling of what you are supposed to be, the character your programmed past as written in the minds of others is inevitably soaked completely in the realisation of who you are inside.

But these were the things that we were supposed to say and do, and the clothing and hairstyles that we were supposed to wear, and the attitudes and behaviours that we were supposed to have when we were going through our first adolescence. It’s just that we never got a chance, because it was the wrong adolescence. When we finally have a shot at the right one, I say we should go for it. It passes soon enough.

Tranifesto

For young and not so young, any friends you have will stay friends, if they really are friends; even if the friendship changes, but you should expect the relationship to change if you do.

As for a reason as to why we do this I can’t give a single answer as I’m sure there are several factors. But click here or on the Independent logo below for an interesting article on gender and change at a cellular level which may be a part of it. The following three quotes are from that article.

“…findings suggest that being male or female is not a permanently fixed state but something that has to be continually maintained in the adult body by the constant interaction of genes to keep the status quo – and the gender war – from slipping in favour of the opposite sex.”

“The results could explain some of the great mysteries of human gender, for instance why some women after the menopause develop male characteristics, such as facial hair and deeper voices, or why other people are so unhappy with the gender they were born with that they seek hormone therapy and radical sex-change operations.”

“…If it is possible to make these changes in adult humans, it may eventually remove the need for surgery in gender-reassignment treatment…”

A more technical link regarding the story can be found here:

From a species over time down to our individual cells on a daily basis, our gender and understanding of it changes constantly.

So why do so many seem so surprised by this?

My point on change in general and specifically gender?

Flexibility (change) is a strength not a weakness.

Diversity (because of changes) is a strength.

So try not to overly judge,

where it is so obviously unnecessary.

Good to talk

Just a short post and highlight some of the local group gatherings organised in the UK for Transitioning people not just M2F. I’ve mentioned them before in an earlier post but in all the digital transgender talk on the internet you might easily miss the Beaumont Society. They’ve been going since 1966 working transgender community so have some experience on the matter.

They have regional organisers to contact about these local gatherings so if you feel like you need advice or support in how you feel or even with thoughts on coming out or your family etc please follow the link here or the pin in the map below and ask for a little help and advice. It’s why they are there and why they were established.

This post was prompted by a discussion this weekend with someone to whom I totally forgot to mention the above. So hope its of some help.

From Hollywood to Milton Keynes

This blog title doesn't have exactly the same ring as Patsy Gallants 'From New York to L.A.' but following on from my post Sparkle blog I thought I’d jump in before this to let you know about this one before it's over.

Pink Punters in Milton Keynes is well known for it’s ‘Every second Friday of the Month’ Big Night Out (BNO). A night for T-girls to go out chat, dance and feel more accepted.

So anyways this weekend is the annual Big Weekend Out!

Also as part of the BWO this Saturday night (21:30-06:30) is a Hollywood theme night. So for those confident enough to be a Marilyn Monroe, Madonna or hell, even a George Clooney, go along and sparkle in Milton Keynes. And if you don’t want to be someone else, just slip into a posh dress and go as you.

Below is some of the official blurb but hit the links in this blog to find out more.

From noon until early evening Pink Punters Nightclub and its grounds on the A5 at 2 Watling Street, Fenny Stratford, Milton Keynes (MK2 2BS), will again be transformed into a Transgender Community marketplace, also featuring live entertainment. It will become a haven for those wanting to spend a few hours (en femme or not) browsing, shopping, meeting old and making new friends, and having a ‘jolly good time’ in a very supportive environment.

ENTRANCE IS FREE!

Trapped in a preconception

One of my very first posts was asking the question “Why” Why do I and possibly some others, like to dress in clothes generally ascribed to persons of an opposite sex? In this post I’ll look at this a little more. I’ll start at crossdressing and go on to gender. This is not an A-Z but a short and incomplete blog….

On Crossdressing

To start, a good short article covering why people crossdress can be found here.

…but for those who don’t want to go read it; the summary of the article is that there are three main reasons as to why men crossdress:

1 - sexual gratification
2 - express the feminine side of their personality
(comfort, and reduced stress / because it feels good.)
3 - experience the "power of a woman."
(it is very stimulating and intoxicating)

I’d agree with point 1 as to why many men dress. And if this is the sole reason a man dresses then it may actually be a confirmation on their masculinity and simple attraction to women in an odd way. Not always of course.

Whilst I do relate to point 1, I feel Point 2 describes me the best with a dash of point 3 thrown in for good measure.

On Gender

Before I carry on this YouTube is a good and relatively short into onto gender if you need to brush up.

Sorry it won't play in my blog I'm just not that techie!

Points 2 and 3 above are in the context of a release mechanism from the gender binary. An outlet valve for a cultural system that doesn’t wholly work. The word crossdressing itself is somewhat antiquated and assumes there are only two types of people in the world. Women, who can wear pretty much anything they want most of the time and then men, who have a severely limited and often dull wardrobe. Hence the term ‘drag and drab’. Of course gender goes far beyond just fashion and how we present ourselves but people tend to judge books by covers so lets stick with this for this blog.

We all want to be accepted for who we feel we are inside and have that seen as such on the outside. Living and presenting on the outside as someone who you don’t genuinely feel to be inside is not a pleseant feeling. For many ‘men’ the odd evening ’crossdressing’ is enough of a release to allow them to continue to conform to the prescribed gender binary uniform of tradition the rest of the time.

I love getting fully ’dressed up’. Even if I could all the time I wouldn't all of the time. Speak to anyone who wears make-up and high heels etc regardless of there gender or sex and it does require more work than pulling on jeans and some trainers. Tight can jeans rock for me as much as a skirt and sitting around the house in a pair of jogging bottoms is fine too for different reasons. Look at it the other way. There is very little I wear every day that a genetic woman wouldn’t wear and feel comfortable in. Does that mean I crossdress every day? As I may have stated before, I don’t feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body. I do however feel like an identity trapped in a preconception. 

Personally speaking I allow many of the traits of my more feminine side to merge into or simply influence my day to day life. This affects how I dress, look after myself, my choices and, to a degree how I relate to others. Don’t get me wrong, my masculine side is there too. For me my whole gender balance and my freedom of expression is what has become more prominent as the years move on. Our physical bodies are in a constant state of renewal and change. If our minds weren’t we wouldn’t be living creatures.

You are you, however you or someone else labels you. I don’t want to get all Matrix/Morpheus or Zen on you here, but you cannot, not, be you. The confusion comes about because for most of the world all we do is act our role as described by society, and a role is so much more than the clothes you wear.

In 1599 or so Shakespeare wrote in “As You Like It”, stating “All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players…”

I'n not entirely sure if Shakespeare actually knew how accurately this describes the human condition as it transcends male and female. Our confusion is because we’re trying to define a role that many in 21st century society simply don’t see - yet. The ‘yet’ is important.

So back to the question. Why do I dress and why do I allow it to affect my life? Because quite simply - it’s who I am and I am human. Now; define human without using the future or potential as a meaningful reference?

The above image I found via another good blog but honestly can't find the original link. I think I got surf crazy that day!

Hate & Fear

Citizens Advice define a hate crime as an act of "violence or hostility directed at people because of who they are or who someone thinks they are."

You know, every time I think of my blog I think I’ll do something about fashion or make-up and then something barges in from the side. It’s really an issue of priority and this is something I really didn’t want to do a blog about but, well… it’s a truth. I noticed a level of this personally when replying to a You Tube post on Caitlyn Jenna recently.

Whilst not all negative there was a contingent of comments which seemed irrational and based in dogma rather than thought.

So this was sitting in my mind when I was listening to Cami's Crossdressing Canopy Podcast and she mentioned how someone shouted swearing at her in public but not because she was dressed or presenting fem’ but simply because she was in an Asian country and she was western? Bigoted hate actions are not just aimed at Trans’ people obviously. Cami’s take on this is you will always find people who disagree or hate you but this shouldn’t taint your self belief.

This is mirrored in the main point of this article which is a BBC news report on how LGBT people experience hate crime 'too often’.

The article refers to Talulah Eve Brown who appears to be a really savvy and lovely individual who can rise above the hate she receives.

My point of view is fairly simple on all this. Blanket statement I know! Usually people who appear to hate irrationally are actually frightened. People can be hated because of their colour, gender, age, or many other reasons other than something they have actually done. Or like Cami, simply being from another place.

Most bias racism or any ‘ism’ can be described the same. Maybe it’s easier to react rather than think and deal with people as individuals? This is not an excuse and I have no sagely advice on how to handle it other than I believe how you face the world determines to some degree how the world reflects back upon yourself. Try not to react against their reaction and like Talulah hold to your belief and course. I admit I’m not always the best at taking my own advice.

Have belief in you. Treat others with politeness and compassion. And if you are a victim of abuse think: why are these people like this? Maybe their world is not so wonderfully coloured as yours? Maybe you should feel sorry for them…

This will not stop some of the more violent acts and it's very much easier said than done, but worth some thought.

Achievement!

It's a year on so, Conchita… does she pass, and importantly should she pass?

You see, most but not all of the issues to do with F2M or M2F evolve around one issue. What we define as male and what we define as female. Without these binaries there would be no X2X. I have said before, I love and respect the fact there is a male and female binary BUT believe strongly that there should be room between these for more expression.

For those of us lucky enough to live in a society where women have ‘mostly’ equal rights to men, our definitions of male and female in reality largely come down to what we see. Passing is about how we act and our fashion. Our manner and appearance.

Check off both those boxes and Achievement Unlocked - Passing!

Leave one out and you fail.

For many, if not most M2F and F2M they really want to pass. However some people feel they shouldn’t need to conform to this gender binary. Personally I feel both ways depending on my day. I dress totally female when I can with the intent of being able to pass but on a day to day basis I just want the ‘right’ to be me and wear what the hell I want. Is that to much to ask? 

Do we have, or should we have, a society where an individual has the right to express themselves as they feel they are, not as others would like them to be, within the realms of the law and decency and the situation of course! How free and creative are we as a society? I feel this is less an issue for women than men. This is well put in this quote from Eleanor Roberts of the Beaumont Society.

“Most of the Male-to-Female (MtF) transgender community are part-time crossdressers who need opportunities to dress/make-up as a woman one or two evenings a week. This is often enough to release the pent-up pressure and keep a marriage & family together. Women in the same situation do not need this; women's fashion is wide enough to allow them masculine styles of dress/hair if they wish without attracting condemnation.”

Eleanor Roberts (Beaumont Society)

I felt that it was an interesting choice of words “without attracting condemnation.” Condemnation could sound strong but even a disapproving frown from someone is a form of condemnation. I would agree with the sentiment as simply put, it is more socially acceptable to pass as the opposite gender than be ambiguous because it’s easier on peoples brains. Humans love to be able to classify things which is mostly good and has allowed us to evolve. However like any skill, it’s misuse limits our development. 

I personally feel people should be allowed to wear what they feel expresses themselves and they feel good in. You have to admit it would be a far more interesting world? As Eddie Izzard said,

“They aren’t women's clothes they are mine, I paid for them.”

Please, please for the love of Pete, can someone give me a reasonable argument why a man shouldn’t wear a dress in public? Other than 'because it's the way it is or has been'. Maybe I’ve just missed a lesson somewhere?

So to sum up, “being accepted” and “passing” are two different things. And passing makes being accepted almost a default state. Being accepted when not conforming to a gender stereotype is very difficult.

We are very social creatures and being accepted for being yourself is important. Maybe it’s time we opened up our vocabulary to allow people (some of us at least) to express themselves and be themselves more easily.

Surely the strength and beauty in humanity rests in it's diversity.

So what do I think about Conchita… does she pass, and importantly should she pass?

No she doesn’t pass as society describes a female, but more importantly she passes for being herself and we should all admire that even more!

And you, are you - you?

Links to pages on passing:

Thetransgenderpartner

passing tips

Assophobia

Cami's Crossdressing Canopy

Just a quick shout out for a great podcast I listen too by Cami Aeris. Short sweet shots of common sense and Trans related issues.

Link to the podcast and read Cami's Blog here