Toilet Talk

Following my last post we inevitably come to the great toilet debate regarding Transgender folk.

When I’m out dressed I will naturally go to the female asigned toilet but I do so because my natural intent is not to upset anyone. Often if there is a ‘disabled’ toilet I will use this if it’s quiet. After all a disabled toilet is for both male and female. Why society can't do this for everyone is totally beyond me?

Also, let me know if I am wrong on this but so far as I understand; in the UK it is perfectly legal for either ‘sex’ to use either restroom.

On a more general note I really cannot see why we logically have gender separate toilets. I speak with some small authority here having had to plan a few building toilet facilities myself. Also I find it uncomfortable to see women queueing for ages while men swoosh past into their little box of no queues. So why don’t we have gender neutral toilets with a smaller percentage of stalls (if any) so everyone can experience a better and swifter visit to the loo. 

Also it’s not just the average straight guy or girl or Trans* who needs the toilet. This is something that is well put in Ivan Coyote’s great TED talk which toward the end speaks of other members of society - not just Transgender.

If you know someone who worries about what will happen if we don’t have separated toilet facilities I suggest you worry less about that issue and more about how they view the world and their motives. Personally when I go to the loo I need to go to the loo (okay maybe check how I look in the mirror too). I spend as little time as I can in there as they arn't the nicest of places genearlly and I want to be back out getting on with my life. Motive is important, something some US politicians get totally confused over. 

I’ll leave you with another article about converting existing restrooms.

So to conclude the link to my previous post on getting out. The world is changing but as Trans* folk we must work extra hard to make it work. Sad but true. Every time I go out and everything works out fine, so far 100% of the time, I think there's a lot of new people who now have first hand personal experiance of a Transgender individual in 'their' society and everything was cool - normal even?

Normal is how we define it

We are living in a delicate time.

This post is linked directly to a post I will follow on with shortly after regarding the use of restrooms and this I start leading in to the USA given recent events...

America feels threatened and like all treated entities it is in a process of anger and lashing out. Whilst not the superpower they were, when the US feels threatened and reacts, the world feels it’s ripples. A wave of anti-tolerance by I'm happy to say, political minorities, towards people of a ‘different’ way, be that a faith or in my case my gender presentation, is written across the face of the world's media every day.

It is vital now more than ever, that if one is different, we try to integrate and show by example, that diversity is complimentary to the human condition and not destructive. There may be individuals and factions of groups who are negative and want to separate the people of our world but it’s certainly not me and I hope not you - not transgender folk. It's an oppertunity.

So partly because of the above and coincidentally, over the past year or two I’ve been getting out dressed more. However 'getting out' can mean several types of place so here’s my basic list.

A - Trans* friendly places like Pink Punters. Obviously I’ve never felt any animosity or worry here!

B - Then there is another level of getting out to the more accepting ‘gay’ areas of a town like Birmingham in my case. Here again rarely will anyone bat an eyelid. I actually prefer these areas as you’ll always be accepted and it is a more diverse set of individuals. Straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, whatever you want to call people. Everyone is usually just out for a fun / relaxed night.

The Arcadian, just off Hurst St, Birmingham

C - However I’ve also been out out to everyday restaurants or pubs whether in the centre of London or a small pub in Warwickshire. And you know, people are on whole to be very accepting and unflustered. Yayyy, go humanity!!!

The worst I’ve encountered is someone, usually a grandmother out with their family or an older guy out alone (both occurrences have happened more than once) where their faces tell a story. They cannot stop staring and I’ve even seen their family get somewhat embarrassed at this. They are fighting an internal battle between what they’ve been told or told themselves all their lives and the reality they see before them. So effectively it’s their issue and their internal struggle - not mine. On the one hand I’m not sure what they expect of me but my having a polite conversation with a friend and behaving civilized obviously isn’t one of these pre-programmed thoughts.

D - Finally I’d say just going shopping in town dressed. I’ve only done this once and it was similar to the run of the mill restaurant or pub but I don’t class once as a good working knowledge so I’ll not pretend to give advice on this.

Neverthelss - my advice for getting out is...

First - just do it. Make the decision, then think seriously about why and what it means to you. While you can go out alone, I’d seriously recommend you go with a friend. It’s more fun and you can share the experience.

Second - Be sensible. Don’t pick somewhere you know to be synonymous with trouble. I wouldn’t do that regardless of my gender or presentation!

Third - Don’t be a parody - be yourself. However you present on the outside let your natural person on the inside come through.

And finally - Take pride in your appearance and make it obvious you’ve tried your best to present how you want to be. People respect that, so respect them by doing so.

So you are out and about, what bathroom do you use? Queue my next post...

Gender non-conformist?

A short post to say have a listen to this BBC Documentary about the growth of Non-Binary as an acknowledged way to be. I was directed to it via Rebecca Root’s Twitter which often discloses these little gems. As usual I found the BBC’s a very level headed report - so listen!

Interestingly they also use the term ‘gender non-conforming’ which to me sounds a touch more active in attitude whereas ‘Non-Binary’ is very neutral. It sparked a teeny bit of rebellious creativity in me so I created the emblem for this post.

Personally I still prefer the term Trans* assignation (with the asterisk to allow you to say what you are) as it is snappier and is suggestive of change not a so much a static condition. I'd still say I was Gender non-conformist of course.

How about you?

Side note: as I mention in a previous post, I actually love the extreems of gender so I'm not against gender. I just feel people should be free to live happily as either or 'between' them wherever is best for them.

After a while...

― Alan Moore, V for Vendetta

This article is ostensibly about transitioning post-forties or later. That said, much will ring true to many who are younger or indeed not transitioning at all as largely it is about how we all change over time and at it’s core, it is about stereotypes and social programming.

It is essentially about tribes and law.

So whilst this is about those of us who transition or simply question our gender expression it is also importantly about the people surrounding us. In youth these people about us are our immediate friends and family. People we are born to or join us in life's path for a while. These are special in that they do not need you to sign a lawful contract to have a relationship with them. However with a spouse there is a mutual lawful agreement. If this pact is based on misconception or wrong information then it only deepens the severity of any scar when one finally realises who they may have hidden away over time, within themselves.

Our cultural and societal conventions and traditions can be worthy but they can also be deeply negative if they don’t allow total honesty. If people are not allowed the right to openly express how they feel at a young age then relationship problems will inevitably occur later in life.

If in your fifties, be you male or female, you discover a repressed love of baking cakes you may annoy some people with random purchases or smells in the kitchen but you don’t ask them to realign their understanding of society. If however, you realise you don’t fit the binary gender model it can present a big issue to those with whom you may have, by now, a lifelong deeply personal and legal contract.

For those of us who have already gone far down a life path, shifting our gender expression, coming out or transitioning - even the thought of it - presents it’s own unique challenges. The obvious question most ask is, why now? If you felt this way why didn’t you say earlier. Why did you hide what you felt?

This is a question I asked myself and the point of this post.

Casting my mind back I was very unsure about what I felt. So far as I knew the world in which I grew up in and live now says, it is bad or at best, abnormal to not conform to a gender stereotype. Now everyone ‘hates’ stereotypes, but not when it comes to gender. Odd that, don't you think?

I hid what I felt because I was not free. I was not free to express it or explore it. For many of us living in the west we like to believe that we live in a free world, but that is not true. Much of our reality is based in social acceptance...

So I pause here for a moment and look at social acceptance from a very non-gender perspective taking the form of two different TED talks.

In one of the most emotive and stirring TED talks I’ve ever seen on what shapes many as they grow, Shane Koyczan at time point 2.28, says that as he was growing up he was being told to…

“Accept the identity others would give me”

Another supporting argument comes form Hetain Patel in this TED Radio hour talk which describes when as he was growing up and from a minority background, he just wanted to fit in. Echoing Shane Koyczan about how all kids want to 'fit in'. As usual the whole episode is good but specifically listen at at point 26:40. Further, at point 27:47 he goes on to say about how he felt ‘ashamed’ because he was different.

Now Hetain Patel mentioned he felt ashamed which leads me to the Transgender Philosophy Podcast, in which Felix Conrad argues the reason for not coming out is shame and it is the removal of that internal shame that allows us to come out. Essentially, as you get older you gain the life experience to question the things society tells you are really you. There is a constant thought of I must be wrong if everyone else says so. Maybe if I wait another year it will all just go away as I can’t be right. Yet after so many years you realise you were right all along. Therefore a late onset of acceptance of oneself occurs as natural part of a maturing process.

So there is a basic instinct in all children and in all people indeed, to ‘fit in’. A natural survival instinct to be part of a tribe. However, as humans our tribes are shaped by its laws.

In the fifties and especially the sixties revolutionary times no doubt, but gender was what it had always been. In fact in the 60’s and into the seventies in the US and UK, if a male was found dressing as a female then by law the result could be…

“…incarceration in mental institutions and the application of aversion therapy through the use of electric shocks or nausea-inducing drugs.”

ISJ

Into the seventies gender bending moved on and through into the eighties and make-up wearing new romantics then breathed life into the concept of a non-fixed gender role. However, by and large these were transient social statements by young people discovering themselves. Themselves who usually ended up from a gender perspective being exactly what there forebears had been. Not a bad thing, it just dilutes the understanding of non-binary gender.

Beyond the laws, and in turn what shapes them, is the information we have to hand and our own understanding of it.

"I was growing up in a very different time and I had no information. Meanwhile, I had all of my diversions — sports...this...that...married...family — but after 65 years, here I was right back with the same problems that I had when I was 10 years old and I had to finally do something about that."

Caitlyn Jenner / etonline

Then there is the physiological argument. At a recent Trans' support group meeting I was talking with a woman from the Beaumont Society who said some people also believe that late transitioning may be to do with a drop in testosterone. I certainly think this could well be a contributory factor but in and of itself, not the actual reason, the spark as it were. This could back up a view again by Caitlyn Jenner in the same article where she says:

"I firmly believe that there are intensity levels of being trans," she wrote. "For example, a boy at a young age — four or five-years-old — might refuse to wear guy clothes and will only wear dresses. Not as a one-time thing, or as just dress-up play, but insistently, every day saying, 'I'm a girl.' They can't — and won't — hide their true identity, even at that young age. Then there are others, like me, who can (kind of) live with it for a long time, even though it's very uncomfortable."

Caitlyn Jenner / etonline

So then, what's my answer? Why do some people come out in later life? I’d argue it is simply due to a lack of true freedom in our society. A society shaped by the law which by our own acceptance creates it.

We do not acknowledge this feeling inside because at first as children we want to fit in and therefore set our path. Then in later life we do not want to hurt those close to us. However as time moves on we realise our lives will mean nothing if we propagate a system which does not allow true freedom for ourselves and of course, others.

We are all our own victims in this respect, transgender - or not.

I’ll leave you with another quote and link:

Look at me 

You may think you see 

Who I really am 

But you'll never know me 

Every day 

It's as if I play a part 

Now I see 

If I wear a mask 

I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart 

Christina Aguilera "Reflection"

A mountain is made of grains of sand

The above advertisement is a good example of what happens when we stop questioning how we unconsciously condition society. We talk of advancement but in reality socially changes little. Of how small phrases and dogmatic repetition, especially to the young, make the world we live in. A point I will come back to strongly in the next post I publish...

So directly with reference to the whole title of my blog “Thought's on programming gender roles in modern society” I point you at another good article by Kasey Edwards on Sexist Parenting. It describes how we are subtly programmed from an early age. Programmed by small instructional social code which embeds itself creating the deeper program path we almost blindly follow in later life.

“It feeds into a broader system that disadvantages and devalues women and squeezes men into a suffocating mould of masculinity.”

What to do when you witness sexist parenting - Kasey Edwards

In a more graphical post than usual and because of my net bound search for gender stereotyping imagery, here is another wonderful ridiculous piece of advertising to chew on...

But finally, I'll leave you with what I believe should be the main point of both Kesey's article and my blog, in the hope of a better future future for all...

Think before you speak to everyone, but especially to children for they are the grains of sand upon which the mountain that is our world, is made.

Men, better than women?

A deliberately provocative question. My answer and I'd hope most peoples would be a big fat "NO"!

"...a big part of our reluctance to feminise boys is about power and the systematic devaluation of women."

However this article called “The subconscious bias of 'unisex' baby name trends” by Kasey Edwards explores a little more about the issues and manifestations of the negativity of femininity in our culture, even if many are subconscious.

"...the reality is that this one-way naming trend is an expression of our casual and unexamined misogyny."

Whilst Kasey's article focuses on historical naming practices she goes on to mention similar trends in regard to toys and clothing and how this seems a 'one-way' street. Women can adopt the traits of men, but rarely ever the other way around.

"Why is it that only girls are permitted to enter the playground of gender fluidity? Might it be because, despite all our talk about gender equality, we still believe deep down that the worst thing a boy could be is like a girl?"

Her conclusions are very much where I was when I wrote my more fumbling post "Like a Girl" on the same issue, back in 2014...

If we believe in real freedom then we should all aspire to a fairer world for all women and men - and everyone in between. If we can't make a choice then there is no freedom. Let us not unconsciously propagate and unbalanced past and make sure it is a gender balanced world. And not like this old tie advert!

Why do we need gender on our passport?

Why is it even an issue? Read the BBC article here...